A Bigfoot hugging dynamite over a woman tied to a table and a headshot of George Kennedy. Why do I do this to myself?
Here’s how I imagine the pitching of Demonwarp went.
Pitcher- “So we wanna make this horror movie, because horror is hot right now and we can make money”
Studio person- “Oh really? What’s it about?”
Pitcher- “Bigfoot…and aliens and zombies and a religious fanatic and titties.”
Studio- “Did I hear you say titties?”
Pitcher- “Yes sir. We wrote down a basic synopsis on these cocktail napkins. We figure instead of trying to have one great idea, we would just rip-off a ton of other ideas and come up with about 5 half-baked mediocre ones.”
Studio- “These all sound like different movies.”
Pticher- “That’s why I brought this air cannon with me. We can just shove all the notes into the cannon, and fire it into the air everyday before we shoot. We will then get one of the hooke…I mean actors to go pick some of them up randomly and then film what ever is on the napkin.”
Studio- “I stopped listening after Bigfoot and titties. Here’s some money. Oh, and George Kennedy owes me a favor, so I can get him to star in it so you have at least one credible star.”
And thus, Demonwarp was born.
Even Bigfoot was confused when he saw Demonwap.
Usually, I break down a movie in 3 important sections, and talk about them at reasonable length in order to give you a feel for the movie with spoiling it in the event you actually take my humble recommendation and see it. Today, that plan is being thrown out the window. Demonwarp, with all its rampant gearshifts and subplots, is fun of the highest order. And by high I mean, you really should be 2 bong-loads deep before you even consider hitting play. Those who prefer the booze may get a kick out of this, but I theorize that the patience, heightened tolerance, and ease of amusement that comes along with the more docile of recreational drugs would help greatly. The movie starts out with some religious dude walking with a horse (why isn’t he RIDING the horse?) when a meteor hits quite close to him. He, showing great rationalizing and logic skills, immediately feels compelled to dub this the Second Coming, and then we don’t see him again until the end. Then George Kennedy gets his daughter abducted by Bigfoot right in front of him in a cabin, THEN some 20 somethings come up to the same Cabin in the middle of bumfuck nowhere and start getting killed.
Hey George. Proud of this one?
So by about 30 minutes in, a fair amount of the cast had been kidnapped or picked off, and we’re starting to wonder “Um, isn’t there like 2 acts still left in this film?” Act 2 consists of Bigfoot going ape-shit, stalking nameless characters in the woods, and killing them in incredibly grisly ways, which is where a gorehound, such as myself, gets a few moments of pleasure from watching heads getting ripped off and bear trap arm removals. So, this is all fine and dandy and then…a zombie walks by one of the characters. Yup, a zombie. Like they had just stumbled onto a different movie set. I almost crapped my pants. This is going beyond even some of the Italian “throw every cliche and niche concept at the wall and see what sticks” films. So now we got Bigfoot, and aimless zombies who are uninterested in human flesh, but seem to be gravitating toward a cave. What’s in the cave? You don’t care? Well goddamnit, I’m going to tell you, because I had to know, and now so will you.
Surprise! Alien Spacecraft!
SURPRISE, aliens are in the cave, and turning the humans they capture into Bigfoots to scavenge the woods for electronics to rebuild their ship. Also, the leader Alien eats the fresh hearts of the recently captured, removed from live victims by the religious crazy from the first scene, before turning them into either zombies that will do its bidding, or Bigfoots to…do its bidding. kill people at random and steal car stereos. You figure at some point, the movie would make an attempt at having someone…anyone explain the general plan of the Alien or why/how this is all happening, but no dice. In the tradition firmly established by the earlier parts of this masterpiece, shit just happens, and I respect that. So after blowing up the cave, a guy and a girl escape. They then are in a bed together at the edge of space and time, evidenced by the fact the room is just an empty black hole except for the bed and the headboard. The guy wakes up gasping for air, and the woman comforts him, all while they are being closed in upon by a Bigfoot and some of the zombies from the cave. Then he wakes up gasping for air AGAIN, and his girlfriend is a zombie. You don’t think they would do it a third time do you? Fuck yes they would. He wakes up, gasping for air a third time, this time alone in the bed, and looks right into the camera and then…the credits roll. How the Academy didn’t honor this, I will never know. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go convince my friends this is a great movie and make them watch it.
‘Till Next time.
Love,
Alex
Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
Just chillaxin' with my bros, bro.